...your stay-at-home mom job was an actual paid job and your child was your boss?? Let's see how the day would go:
8 am:
Wake up not by alarm clock, but by one of the following, depending on the phases of the moon:
a) Kisses all over your face
b) Your covers being thrown off
c) Being dusted by an entire container of cake flour (It has happened.)
8:01 am:
Boss: "I want fruit loops! I want fruit loops! I waaaaaaant fruit loooooops!"
8:05 am:
Assist boss with going potty after much screaming and threatening that there will be no fruit loops if there is no tee-tee in the potty.
8:30 am:
Arrive at work still in your pajamas, having not gone to the bathroom yourself, or brushed your hair. Begin to fix boss's breakfast.
8:30 am:
Boss: "I want fruit loops in my giant bowl. My gy--o? bowl? My gyroooo bowl? Gyro bowl. And milk in my purple baking-thing cup."
"Whaa? What baking-thing cup? Oh, your purple cupcakes cup? Ok. You will get that with milk and fruit loops in your gyro bowl if you sit down at the table and wait patiently."
9:00 am:
You now get to eat your breakfast even though boss has gone to her "office" and emptied all of its contents onto the floor.
9:45 am:
Boss: I bored. I want to listen to Michael Jackson! (Boss shakes hips to emphasize)
**Boss procedes to listen to entire "Thriller" album on cassette tape (yeah, they still exist!) and requests it again. And again.
11:00 am:
Decide Boss needs something else to do since you are fully aware that "Billie Jean is not his lover" and make some lunch.
11:00 and thirty seconds am:
Boss screams, "I want a egg! I want a egg! I waaaaaant a egg....and some peanut butter on my plate, please."
11:10 am:
Place hard boiled egg on Boss's plate, only to accidentally have it touch the peanut butter and be deemed inedible. Boss hurls herself to the floor, kicking and screaming for 10 minutes until she suddenly realizes the egg is ok after all.
Noon:
Lunch is over after many stories of "Yesternight we went to see Papa and I wore my pink shirt with the monkey on it and I jumped up to say Boo and I scared Papa and he giggled and we saw houses with flowers and I didn't like the horse-thing 'cuz it scared me and I really liked that time, yesterweek."
12:30 pm:
Boss has been entertaining herself with Silly Putty while the kitchen is being cleaned. Hands gun-looking object over for inspection saying, "Look, I made a shrink ray, COOL!!" Decide that the "Despicable Me" viewings need to stop for awhile...
1-2 pm:
Take an hour long walk outside (50% for exercise/ 50% for child restrained in stroller with wind blowing in face can't have a screaming fit on the ground)
2 pm:
Assist Boss with going potty before taking a nap and read 3 more books than what you said you would before finally turning off the light and walking out.
2:45 pm:
Finally achieve hot shower and new change of clothes. Victory!
4 pm:
"Blissful" hour of doing laundry, washing dishes and listening to radio interrupted by tiny knock from Boss's door..."Mommaaaa!! I need to go pooooop!"
4:01 pm:
Open door to let Boss go to the bathroom only to find the deed is already done...."Holy %^*^$&%, what happened in here?????"
4:10 pm:
Boss sits in bathtub while I clean poop off the carpet and bookshelf and throw away 10 books. Boss receives bath after this, concentrating especially on the sh*^ under her fingernails.
5:30 pm:
Boss watches dinner preparations and states, "I want to be a pig when I grew up." Boss's daddy informs her that she is a little girl and will grow up to be "a beautiful woman like her momma." Boss looks over at me, thinks, and states, "No, I wanna be a pig instead."
6 pm:
While the Boss's daddy and I enjoy homemade curry, the Boss indulges in 8 slices of pickled beets, applesauce with purple sprinkles, a bite of baby carrot, and a cup of brown rice which somehow quadruples in size and explodes all over the dining room floor.
7 pm:
The bedtime "plan" begins. Potty, brush teeth, sip of water, books, bed.
7:45 pm:
Somehow still only on phase 3 of plan...
8 pm:
Plan is complete. Sweet Boss gives hugs and kisses and says, "I had a good day today!" and repeats bedtime mantra of "Goodnight, I love you, sleep good, sweet dreams, see you in the morning, God bless you, I love you!"
......4 am:
Bedroom door thrown open, accompanied by the sound of tiny feet running...
"Momma! The gnomes outside in the garden waked up and are ALIVE and I scared!!!"
